How many of us took inventory of envy when we did Step 4 for the first time? Probably not many. How many did in subsequent 4th Steps, or when working Step 10? Again, in all likelihood very few. And yet, as we can see in our two opening quotes below, the Big Book and the 12&12 count envy as one of our biggest problems as alcoholics, on a par with anger, resentment, and fear.
Why then is envy not on our radar screen? Because like greed, envy is hard to detect in ourselves. To paraphrase Milton Friedman’s take on greed, none of us are envious, it’s only the other fellow who’s envious. Indeed, envy hides even more than greed. Greed can always pose as a positive quality. It can hide behind ambition or behind a good cause. We want more because we want to do more, we rationalize; we want to accomplish things, make a contribution, do good.
There’s no such out with envy. As a defect of character and emotion, envy is beyond redemption. It is a detracting construal of others issuing from a detracting construal of ourselves. Its trademark is rivalry. In envy, we want something somebody has but we lack. It can be any good: a quality, talent, advantage, possession. But we don’t want it so much for itself as for the value that it confers upon the person who has it (e.g., approval, respect, admiration). That’s the underlying concern, what’s really important to us. The rivalry is for personal significance or worth.
If we desire to have the object of envy too but we don’t mind the other person having it, the rivalry is amicable and ours is said to be “friendly envy.” If, on the other hand, we begrudge the other person’s possession of it and would like that person to lose it or otherwise to be diminished, the rivalry is hostile and our envy is said to be (redundantly) of the “invidious” type. The other’s success is our failure and his failure our success.
That’s the kind of envy the Big Book and the 12&12 are talking about. That’s what they say led to the bottle and is one of our greatest enemies. It’s not hard to see why. In envy our self-worth is always on the line. We are always comparing ourselves with others and always coming up short. We’re always competing and losing. We become bitter and resentful. We get depressed and feel sorry for ourselves.
Envy is often conflated with other emotions, which compounds our problem when taking inventory. One of these is greed. Like envy, greed is an immoderate or inordinate desire for possession. But greed targets possessions in general. Envy targets specifically the possessions that belong to another. Moreover, greed is concerned with possessions properly speaking, that is, with external objects of ownership (her Porsche, his Mercedes Benz). While also concerned with these, envy is more concerned with internal qualities that belong to a person (her looks or musical talent). What it really wants is what the possessions say about the possessor. It wants for itself the worth the possessions reflect.
Envy is also confused with and used as a synonym for covetousness. Both target what belongs to another. But when we covet, our focus is on the possession itself, not on the value the other person derives from it. Moreover, the focus is only on the outward type. We do not covet someone’s personal or inner attributes. We are not competing for self-worth. The 12&12 sets the two apart in the following sentence: “Unreasonable fear that our instincts will not be satisfied drives us to covet the possessions of others, to lust for sex and power, to become angry when our instinctive demands are threatened, to be envious when the ambitions of others seem to be realized while ours are not” (S4, p. 49, our italics).
The biggest confusion, however, is with jealousy. In fact, jealousy is routinely used as a synonym for envy. Like envy, jealousy involves rivalry. But unlike envy, the rivalry is over something the subject of the emotion already has and the object of it doesn’t. Moreover, in jealousy that something involves paradigmatically a person, not some external possession or internal quality. Thus jealousy takes place in a three-party context. The contest is over a person’s affection (love, admiration, loyalty). The jealous person construes herself as in danger of losing that affection to her rival.
Jealousy is sometimes a convenient substitute for envy. It’s a euphemism. Envy suggest inferiority. Somebody has something we lack and want and is in that sense better than us. But we don’t want to give anybody that idea. So we say we’re jealous. Envy also suggests ill will. Thus people don’t particularly like being told that we are envious of them. But nobody minds our saying we’re jealous. They may even take it as a compliment.
But envy is no compliment. It is at best a begrudging admission of somebody’s superiority over us in some respect. The underlying sentiment is that the other person is not deserving of the good they have and we lack. They have cheated, are priviliged, or are otherwise unjustly favored. This justifies our ill will and our desire for their downfall.
Envy rests on a concern for personal worth. But the concern is comparative. Our worth is hitched to somebody else’s worth. We feel worthy only if we can see ourselves to be as good or better than somebody else with respect to something that person has that is important for us to have. But we are envious precisely because we don’t see ourselves that way. We see ourselves as being being less than. Unable to bring ourselves up to the other’s level, we can only wish to bring him down to ours.
To properly take inventory of envy, we need to see the ways it expresses itself. We’ll mention a few. One is through resentment. Do we resent someone even though the person has done nothing to harm us or those we love? Are we comparing ourselves to the person in any way? If so, our resentment may be the product of envy. Perhaps the person won some award or got a promotion at work. Whenever we are unhappy over somebody’s success or good fortune, or displeased with their recognizably good qualities, envy may very well be at work. The same applies if we find ourselves taking pleasure in somebody’s difficulties or setbacks.
Other possible signs of envy are harboring ill will toward someone for no apparent reason; falsely accusing or belittling others; engaging in backbiting and slander; being dismissive or contemptuous of other people’s abilities, talents, or accomplishments; and teasing or expressing sarcasm.
Since envy is a comparative defect and emotion, it stands to reason that if we wish to stop envying, we need to stop comparing ourselves to others. That is correct, but we can’t just wish ourselves to stop. We have to practice the principles which will help us to stop making the invidious comparisons.
The AA view of our defects of character and emotion is that they are manifestations of a spiritual problem. As such they require a spiritual solution. For envy the problem is that we falsely base our self-worth on what others have. The solution is to base it upon a spiritual foundation instead. AA says only God can provide that foundation.
We can awaken to such a spiritual view of things through the practice of gratitude. When we are envious, we are unhappy both with what we have and with what others have. We are unhappy because we’re possessive about these things. We see ourselves as entitled to them and as competing for them with others. We see our situation as a zero-sum game where their win is our loss and the other way around.
Gratitude fosters a spiritual awakening which brings us to see whatever good we or others have as a gift from a gracious and loving God. We can be grateful for their gifts as much as for ours. We are not in a competitive but in a cooperative relationship where somebody else’s gifts, rather than detract from ours, add to them and to all the good that is in the universe.
Seeing the good others have as gifts from God also helps us to practice a principle that stands in direct opposition to, and is a corrective of, envy. This is the virtue of admiration. When we admire someone, we see the person as excelling in something that we deem important or valuable. We take pleasure in it. We validate and uphold it, for her good as well as for ours and the good of all who might benefit from it. We may even be inspired to emulate the particular excellence, or at least to emulate some of the qualities in the person which enabled her to develop and achieve it.
In time we come to be grateful for such people and for the gifts they have so admirably cultivated. Admiration thus becomes another way of practicing gratitude and of being happy with ourselves, with people, and with the world.
[Image: Bill and Lois. For Lois's autobiography, see Lois Remembers: Memoirs of the Co-founder of Al-Anon and Wife of the Co-Founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. For an audio of this post, please click on link.]